why experts don't help
1. They focus on the ‘what to do’s, not the ‘how to do’s!
Most dating, seduction and self help products work on a paradigm that has been proven time and time again to be ineffective in producing lasting change in behaviour. The principle implicit in their methods is based upon the “Information + Motivation = Change” model. Basically this means that if you’re informed enough about how to change and motivated enough to change then change must necessarily follow. This approach works on the assumption that if you’re informed of a certain given set of processes or methods (“the 79 laws of success with women”, “the 150 ways to make her hot” “the hypno-magik seduction stare”) and you’re motivated enough to change then change will automatically follow.
While this makes perfect sense to most people, in practice; this formula simply does not work. If it did work then everyone would keep their New Years Resolutions, obese people would adopt sensible diets and exercise regimes, everyone would wear seat belts and you would approach that pretty girl at the bar. But as we know this is not the case!
There is a big difference between knowing what to do and doing what you know. Most traditional methods of teaching (which includes the way most dating gurus choose to teach) focus on filling your head full of the ‘what to do’s’ but spend next to no time on the ‘how to do’s’.
It is easy to give instructions such as ‘be confident’ or ‘approach her in a relaxed fashion’. It is a lot more difficult to put these instructions into practice especially when you have been very shy with women up till this point in your life.
2. They give you no role to play in the learning process
Successful learning occurs only when the mind of the learner passes from a state of ignorance and error to a state of knowledge. Since this activity takes place within the mind of the learner, the learner himself must have a central part in his own discovery of knowledge. The problem again is that the most dating experts give the learner only a bit-part role to play in the learning process.
The eager student is expected to sit back and passively absorb all the information coming out of the guru’s mouth. The dating expert hopes that some mysterious process (osmosis, maybe?) will be able to cause the words that come out of his mouth to miraculously alter the brain and nervous system of the eager student to produce the necessary changes in his physical behaviour! The hope is actually an impossibility since the part of the brain which registers the verbal commands of the expert is actually physiologically incapable of altering the physical behaviour of the student expect to a very limited degree. Mere information or matters of fact retained by the memory with no understanding of what the information means is not knowledge, but mere opinion, no better than prejudices fostered by propaganda or other sources of indoctrination.
The lectures that a dating expert or other type of teacher gives and the material that he writes may express the knowledge he actually possesses. However, this will seldom if ever move the students mind from a place of ignorance to enlightenment. To effect the real desirable changes, the students must be given the primary role in the learning process. However, generally, most dating experts are too concerned with their own fame and ‘celebrity’ and with being the ‘guru’; to really take the required step back a great teacher must take when it comes to the task of changing his students lives.
3. They want you to be continually dependent on them
Dating experts’ livelihoods actually depend on you NOT succeeding. Instead of promoting self-reliance; buying e-books, audio programs and workshops actually promote a form of ‘guru-dependence’. The experts seek to make the whole area of approaching, dating and interacting with women a lot more difficult than it actually is. They suck you into a world of technical jargon, esoteric theories and complex methodologies in order to dazzle you and stop you from seeing the truth. They wish to position themselves as the perennial expert whom you must constantly consult if you ever wish to find your way out of the maze. They fear that if you realise how simple it really is to talk, interact and date even the most beautiful of women that you won’t need them anymore. Instead they warp your mind so much that you are generally worse off with women than the guy who has no clue about seduction methods.
4. They bring about only gradual, incremental change
The difficulty with the way most dating gurus teach, is that they simply do not focus on changing your beliefs. They neglect the most important determining factor in your behaviour: namely your belief system. Instead they fill your head with useless facts and instructions. By not working on changing your core self esteem beliefs and accumulated conditionings; the way you feel about yourself, women and dating will not be fundamentally altered. If you are carrying around beliefs such as ‘approaching women is scary’ and ‘I’m not important’; they will continue to be the major factor influencing your behaviour and results, irrespective of how much you learn about dating and seduction from the experts.
Our beliefs essentially, are what we believe to be true about the world. Therefore trying to superimpose a dating guru’s belief system over what already seems true to you simply does not work! That is because your belief system represents your version of reality- your unique, private view of the world and the way things are, handed down through generations of family influence, cultural influence, cultivated since birth and added to by your own conclusions and observations every moment of every day. Your view of reality simply won’t change because some dating expert tells you it is bad and that their belief system is better.
5. They are part of the problem, not the solution
In fact workshops, audio programs and other informational products are actually compounding the problem. First of all, they more often than not provide reinforcement for your pre-existing negative beliefs. Take a workshop or seduction bootcamp for example. Workshops attempt to deal with your fears and shyness around women by forcing you to appraoch lots of women.
However if you’re carrying around some pre-existing negative beliefs about approaching women then this will obviously be exhibited in your behaviour. You may be nervous, shy or hopelessly awkward when approaching and this in turn makes the girl you’re approaching feel uncomfortable. Her perceived “discomfort” may only serve as reinforcing feedback for your negative beliefs…Its really a vicious circle; if you believe “there is something wrong with you”, this is exhibited in your behaviour as shyness and awkwardness; this shy and awkward behaviour “puts off” the object of your affections which in turn only seems to prove that you were right all along..there is something wrong with you!
Researching and learning about your fears doesn’t help much either. Neurosis develops as a result of focusing on a problem to an obsessive degree. If you have an anxiety about approaching or interacting with women, and you are constantly researching ways to deal with it or get over it, can’t you see you are constantly reinforcing your neurosis. By trying to find ways to “handle” or “cope” with this fear, you are in fact legitimising it; you’re making it real. You’re basically, believing that this fear is real and that you need help to deal with this fear. The “Nervous Guy” method works on the basis that your fear is not real to begin with, therefore any attempts to deal or cope with it are irrelevant and unhelpful.